I didn’t really come out of the pandemic in the same way I went in. In fact, I often “joke” that I went from extrovert to hermit, skipping over introvert and then didn’t really come back out all that social or connected. Some of this was an over-dependence and reliance on technology and the virtual world. In this last year, I have increasingly become more connected, face-to-face and in-person with other humans, and this was long overdue. So, more and more lately, I strive to find networking and support spaces to foster and seek alignment with life and work — leading toward smooth and stable transition from where I am to where I want to go and who I want to be. I seek that support, in person and in community, because I need it, sometimes more desperately than others.

A colleague asked me this morning what “goals” I am setting for the new year, a common inquiry around this time of year! She mentioned that she is working on more gratitude, a quality and principle that keeps us from building negative and cynical trenches in our lives (and this keeps us from digging ruts in our brains that cause unhealthy patterns in our behavior). My first answer was that I seek and strive to maintain my health and wellness and personal and professional endeavors throughout the year instead of relying on “new year’s resolutions.” Frankly, I am not as ambitious or driven as I once was, so I am in it for the marathon and not sprinting much these days! I just came back from three days working with one of my teachers in Los Angeles, where we hiked, did some functional training, and connected and related around Qigong, relationships, and other eastern practices and somatic work done with, and for, and to me. I found out somewhere along the line that I cannot go where I want to go without finding those who are already there and beyond. In fact, desiring to be in a different place is often half the battle, and only then can I seek out those who will help get me there. On the other hand, we are responsible for taking the action.

As I thought about my colleague’s question, I did come up with one change that came from this recent work and that is to supplement my yoga practice three times a week with one session of more functional or strength training. Yoga helps me work on balance, focus, and flexibility, but more functional training can add strength that will enhance my vitality and longevity. I have known and said this for years, but only recently was moved to do something about it. Sometimes I get tired of hearing myself say things and become attached to stories without making positive changes. Realistically, I will replace one yoga practice with one functional training instead of trying to add a fourth session each week. We all know, but perhaps sometimes forget, that more incremental micro changes often produce better results as we add and grow and change our lifestyles. Sometimes it’s all we can do to maintain what we are doing to  keep from “regressing” (maybe even that is a story I need to re-examine). I have heard that progress is often 2 or 3 steps forward and sometimes 1 or 2 back instead of some unrealistic constant progression without setbacks. “Progress not perfection” as they say. So perhaps it is more cyclical than linear.

I told my colleague that at 63 years of age, I am not a big goal setter anymore, at least in writing and formality, and that striving to maintain and grow throughout the year, which I often struggle with and now see as “normal,” keeps me from attempting to make some huge goal or change that I cannot achieve at the beginning of the year (Maybe I can achieve it, but saying that I cannot most likely ensures that it is true, but then the contrary may also be true. There are different ways to approach challenges, e.g., I cannot, I could, I might, or I will, and I am doing it.). On the other hand, whatever works for us as we move and stay out of complacency is the key, even if it is radical change in the all or nothing mentality including “resolutions”. Even though I am not accustomed to setting out bigger benchmarks, I also know that the baseline of last year must be left behind if I am to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually!

And for that, I need accountability and support, community and commitment, and a routine that is not rigid and one that keeps me out of the jagged and deep ruts of life that are harder to overcome, albeit “imperfectionistically,” which is the new identity that I have adopted. In fact, that is not even a word, but throwing off the past perfectionist in me requires that I acknowledge that I can at once hold the tension of being an “imperfectionist” without trying to “perfect mediocrity”! Although this may not work well for everyone at any age or place or stage in life, it seems to work well for me!  Whatever style or path works for an individual, the key is to seek out that path and find the ebb and flow of growth and change in community with support and accountability! Acceptance and reasonable change are necessary.

So, in closing, I invite those who have not done so, to consider posting or writing about where they are in this new year, e.g. starting new or ending old relationships, setting new intentions and goals, leaving certain work positions, or starting new ones, and drawing a little deeper to reflect on how you envision this new year will manifest for you! And then, maintain “progressive not perfectionistic” change throughout the year as you go, so next year, in January, it will only be a routine reflection on what you want to continue or what meaningful micro additions or removals can be made!

I don’t’ write much unless I cannot (not) do so because of the topic or a deep movement in my soul that pulls me into it, often against my will. This is one such topic. With all the layoffs lately and my recent transition to more independent work while still being open to full-time employment with an organization, lots of thoughts and feelings are coming up, for myself and my own journey and for and about others. Applying for contracts, part-and-full time work, interviews, rejection letters, second exciting invites to explore new possibilities—- all create lots of emotions and thoughts about the future and navigating the joy and fear and uncertainty of it all without being attached to outcomes. “Holding the tension” some would say. This all reminds me about the connection between life and love and work. I have been in the work and love force for far longer than I realize at times (or care to admit publicly to anyone about love or longer than I care to admit to an employer regarding work, for fear this all might work against me, or maybe I just did.). This can be a blessing called experience or a curse called ageism or both. I also think about others who are just starting out, in dating or in their career, especially because of the effects of the pandemic in the last few years. And then there are all of those in between being thrown back into the professional or personal “dating” game, many against their will. This has been a difficult time to explore new relationships, but sometimes there is no choice (Romantic and employer dating during the heat of the pandemic might have been worse, or at least more virtual, remote, and disconnected from human connection. It may have been easier in some ways and with more opportunities even though more distanced.). Those who have “retired” from finding “love” (or work) in the last few years are most likely very relieved they are done with this personal or professional “dating and relationship” game. A recent post on LinkedIn reminded me of this parallel between searching for employment or leaving an employer and that of a dating and long-term committed romantic relationship.

This understanding about the connection between love and work has come after many years (decades) of contemplating the personal and professional relationship similarities. For example, both require vulnerability and risk and avoiding, or staying too long in, toxic relationships as well as commitment to, and loyalty in, healthy ones (although I did see an article recently on why we should not be so loyal or committed to a “boss” or organization, but I did not read it, and I have never seen anything written about not being loyal regarding romantic love unless there is abuse involved.). There is an old saying, no good relationship (marriage or job) ends in separation or divorce, but sometimes it happens for reasons beyond our control or by the will of only one “partner”.  Obviously, it’s always better if it’s mutual and civil in work or love endings. Overall, commitment is generally a good thing in love and work. I would not suggest “quiet quitting” a toxic work or romantic relationship but instead leave gracefully and maturely (or overnight) in a blend of art and science all the while doing our best at a job or personal committed relationship, if that’s even possible. I’m sure it’s a continuum. On second thought, can you imagine leaving a bad romantic relationship all the while “committing” to being the best for your lover (at least leave with dignity and respect as opposed to loading the U-Haul in the dark of night or light of day when they are gone)? It is a definite paradox or contradiction in terms.  It’s probably easier to fake this “leaving” an employer, and we all know that bombshells are dropped on employees about “termination” resulting in two minutes, two hours, two days or weeks (if you are lucky) to clean out your desk and have all accounts locked. I call it avoiding the trap door where people disappear immediately without any notice or email explaining why. The email or lack thereof that goes out after or while you are leaving employment says a lot about the relationship and how you left or are leaving. And the way you leave a romantic relationship also speaks volumes about what it was or what the potential relationship will be in the future. And being “quietly fired” in romance seems much more painful and personal than a work one, I believe. I guess it all depends.

These are difficult times to leave your “lover (employer),” but then that should not be a reason to stay in an unhealthy relationship where we are not finding joy “in relationship” (This reminds me of Paul Simon’s 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover (1975), so someone should write a song for better ways to leave an employer. After listening to the song, I realize these are not even the best ways to leave a lover.)? Some of the rejection by lovers (and employers) ended up being a favor in disguise when they “let me go” or did not choose me. I am not sure I was even “in love” with them or was unaware of how much I was not. With employment, we do have to eat and pay the bills though (and this sometimes applies to personal co-habitation), so sometimes we just “suck it up” and do what we must do to make it work at least for awhile! I would never tell someone in an abusive relationship or situation to hang in there though. The time to leave may be now or with police or security escort. There are times when rough patches in a relationship are temporary and can be worked through, but not without lots of professional therapy (or EAP) and work from both “partners.” On the other hand, we cannot do it for them or make them do the work, whether they are an individual or an organization. It is hard enough to do our own deep “inner work.” You really can’t look into someone else’s mirror or change them. Life is too short for sticking it out in a painful situation. One rule of thumb is that if the pain of staying is worse than the pain (or pleasure) of leaving, then it may be time to go.

It seems like there are lots of people evaluating what they want out of a professional relationship with an employer these days (maybe even more than romance). Just look at what is going on with a major technology company and new boss asking people to sleep at the office and work 80-hour weeks with no remote options or else find the door. Maybe this attention to the Darwinian selection process of a profession, career, or employer is long overdue. And sometimes it is mere survival even if we are not the “fittest” employee or “leader”. And this “natural selection” works both ways, also for the employer, I’m sure. What does it mean to be happy and well and growing and living in “right” relationship? One of my spiritual gurus says that we will get it less “right” on the way to getting it more and more “right” (if we are diligent about it), and there is no other way, he says. It is not a perfect process or guaranteed, but progress can be made if we don’t take it for granted. Good relationships don’t just happen on their own, work or otherwise. And extreme commitment and overwork does not necessarily make an unhealthy relationship better. We either live and learn, or we just suffer more and more. In fact, I have had longer committed relationships with (sometimes not so healthy) organizations or systems than I have had in personal relationships, at times (toxic or otherwise), but that might say more about me than the romantic and work realm in general, and it seems like I am examining professional career choices more and more lately, or at least I want to.

I have not always selected well in relationships or been the best partner I could be in love and work, but I have also worked hard at it over time. It really does help to have a compatible partner, one whom you desire and one who desires you because, even though it is “work,” it should not be torture. In work and love, there is unity and potential divorce or separation, pain and suffering, joy and challenges, so real commitment is not always easy but usually worth it. In fact, aside from raising children and long-term committed relationships or marriage, work and career decisions have been the most challenging (and rewarding) things in life, and all of these involve being “in relationship” of some kind. I have been asked to leave jobs and a marriage, broke up with employers and romantic partners and have known rejection and the difference between being dumped and being the dumpee in both employment and long-term committed personal relationships. I have also left before they had the opportunity to ask me to do so. This forces us to look in the mirror and ask ourselves about what we know about being committed and about our own love and work ethic, and who it is we are, or want to be, or whether we want to be “in relationship” at all and with whom.  All this correlates to both a romantic as well as our love affair with, and commitment to, work and employers.

The love-hate relationship I have with rejection is a challenge. One way I have moved into it is to believe that whatever doesn’t result in a mutual offer was not meant for me, as naïve or cliché as that might sound (I never liked the real dating game anyway, so I now refuse to move into desperation about being “wanted” by a lover or an employer, unlike when I was younger. In my personal life, I am fortunate to be happily married and in love with my wife, as my loving partner, even though this is not my first go around with marriage.). I am not currently “committed” to an employer or work right now, so I am dating. It’s pathetic to continue wanting something that is not to be, and after years of “hard won” experience, this is not who I want to be and not my authentic self. That belief of what’s meant for me, will be, just serves me better in love and work, even if it’s not true, but I really believe it (This also reminds me of a line in a song, you don’t always get what you want, but (hopefully) you get what you need). I look at employer dating like romantic or dating relationships, whether it’s a rejection after one date, asked out for a second date (interview), or after being in a long term committed relationship after many years. Maybe that job or employer is meant for someone else more deserving, or sometimes, I resort to short term resentment, like I did with divorce, and thought, “I hope they get what they deserve, and that would be each other.”

Being in one job and looking for another one also seems like “cheating” or having an affair once you start getting interviews (dates). Although not recommended in personal, long-term committed or monogamous romantic relationships, sometimes “dating” around can make you realize that you are right where you need to be regarding current work or employers. I recommend everyone “look around” every few years in a career, even if they don’t ask anyone out. Dating (interviewing) is a good skill to keep fresh in case one gets dumped by an employer. It also shows that you are not being complacent, and you know your worth. I also have decided I don’t want to be “in relationship” with anyone with whom, or any organization that, doesn’t feel the same way about me, even if they don’t know what they would be missing. We could look at it like it’s their loss and when one door closes, another one opens to see an opportunity we would not have seen had it not been for the breakup. We should also always look at our part more than the other in any breakup.

Blaming others is pointless, even if they deserve it because we cannot change them, only ourselves (unless there is legal action to be taken). At the least, it reminds us to reflect about who we don’t want and don’t want to be. They say be the best person (partner) you can be, and you will attract a healthy partner meant for you, but that doesn’t mean we need to abandon discretion. One piece of relationship advice I have heard is “don’t overlook much of anything while you are dating but once you are committed, pretty much overlook or work through everything (unless it’s abuse which may require severing the relationship). They also ask, “do you want to be “right” or “in relationship”.  I have heard of a movement to screen or “interview” employers like they interview us (like we do with finding a romantic partner). I cannot imagine it being a one-way street with dating and romance. Another concept I propose is to have employers give us three references (at random or of our choosing), combined with both people who have left and those who are currently employed there.

So, this love-hate relationship I have developed with the love-work process and transition has led me to realize that when I am rejected, it’s not helpful to take it personally, even though it feels that way and is often crushingly difficult. After a divorce in a marriage, I remember adopting the philosophy that being discarded says as much or more about them than it does me (and this applies also to me when I am the one discarding others). Even if this has not always been true, it helped me survive. I have value whether others believe so or not. I have something to offer a person or organization and mainly desire to “be with” those who also desire what I have to offer, and those that want to “be with” me. We must develop “thick skin” as the adage goes, whether it’s someone or some organization telling us they “want” someone else or at least they say they don’t want us. It is better to be in touch with and work through the feelings at some point in the process, though, and the sooner the better. Maybe they don’t even know what they need or what’s best for them. Maybe they are not capable of being in a healthy relationship (or maybe we aren’t). And they surely don’t always know or do what’s best for us (and neither do we). Why would we even want to be in relationship with someone who doesn’t want us or can’t sustain the relationship, even in a bad economy, unless we just want a paycheck and that is a viable reason at times (and in the case of romance, we just don’t want to be alone or start over or have nowhere to go). Perhaps they or we should have seen it coming, but sometimes we are blind-sided and can’t foresee the future. I have been thinking a lot about how employers cannot predict an economic downturn but at the same time, may be reckless with hiring too many people and finding a balance between not working us to death and being lean, so fewer layoffs are needed regardless of the current economic climate. Although the pandemic has most likely shown us, we need personal and organizational health and wellness, we must still not rely on other people or companies to necessarily take care of us.

In fact, we are better off selecting potential “mates” (and employers) that are more and more compatible to maximize the likelihood for a long-term, committed relationship that is good for both of us, in economic good health or “sickness” though I gave up on traditional wedding vows a long time ago. ‘Till death do us part” no longer applies to long term committed love relationships or marriage or vows to one organization for life and perhaps never really resulted in good relationships necessarily anyway. Real commitment on a day-to-day level with long term aspirations seem like a more practical way of life, love, and marriage to people and organizations. And if it happens to be life-long, then all the better. Obviously, this is all easier said than done, but hopefully, and hope is the key word here along with action, we get better at picking partners (employers) in the long run that also select and want (in fact desire) to be “in relationship” with us. Also remembering that factors beyond our control are more common than we care to admit or endure. Acceptance of  reality cannot be overstated here if we can even determine what that is. It reminds me of the old rule about only dating those with whom we might want to commit to, but sometimes you must explore various options and have lots of experience with trial and error to find a real “soulmate” in love and work, and maybe more than one, over time.

Disclaimer: nothing I have or say is original, and all of it comes from sources of which I know and some of which I do not know. I often speak and live my life with great hypocrisy that rings in my ears and reflects in my mirrors, so I am painfully and joyfully human, you see!

A Reflection on How Resolving the Past Frees us in the Present and Future

Finding my voice and knowing who I am has taken all of a lifetime, it seems, but it has been worth it, at times painfully so, but still a journey to remember, ever unfolding, at times exciting, other times tragic, seemingly, and not without ups and downs, ins and outs, with lots of changes and transitions, joy and suffering and everything in between, all of it beautiful in its own way, “everything belongs” I am told (Rich Rohr), especially that which I have no control over or at least that acceptance benefits me greatly. Though I could hardly see that it did “belong” at the time. It seems now, though, I can see the beauty more and more, in the moment, even when the world or myself seems to be falling apart.

I have made many choices that could be considered “mistakes”. In fact, I have been told by others that they were, and then I believed it myself, but I have re-visioned these “mis-takes” to view them as opportunities for growth and learning, yet still some have been terribly painful and hurtful to myself and others. These betrayals have been in relationship to others or my personal and professional journey, or an unfaithfulness to my authentic self, and my truer way than what it could have been. So getting it less “right” is the only way to get it more and more “right” on the journey! I have yet to meet anyone who has not done so. I get asked, on occasion, what regrets I have or what I would have changed. I have come to terms with the answer that it is nothing. I would have changed not a thing, about myself, or my decisions, as harmful and painful as they have been at times. So guilt and remorse have been my friends, but I no longer have room for what should have been or the toxic shame results! This paradox of self acceptance also includes the recognition of the great need for ongoing positive and healthy changes!

What comes to mind are memories and events like death and divorce, infidelity or unfaithfulness, harmful parenting styles, estrangement from family and friends, neglect of relationships, misguided career choices, and other personal and professional “transgressions” too numerous to mention. It’s not that I consider these things of having no impact, but it’s just that I cannot change them. I learned along that way that I have to “accept those things I cannot change” and can only learn to “change the things I can” and that “knowing the difference” comes from, and leads, to “wisdom” that makes all the difference, something that still eludes me to this day more than I care to admit. On the other hand, most of the trauma I have experienced in life has been inflicted on me, by me, a sort of self-punishment if you will. It’s not that I have not known and felt “adverse experiences,” in child and adulthood, inflicted by others, its just that I have had to work hard on letting that go, forgiving if not forgetting, but it’s the “pain” that I have not “transformed” or transcended but have “transmitted” on and to others that resonates the most (Rohr).

Working through that is not a perfect process, in fact, it’s more like “progress” that is often two or three steps forward and one or two back, and even sometimes regression. It’s messy, somewhat troubling at times, but working through that is the key. I have given up any notion of perfection and have been seduced by “perfecting mediocrity” or less, a dangerous sense of apathy or indifference, without hope which is the most deadly way of being and leads to not being, ultimately, or at least it leads to mere existence or a “living death.” On the other hand, I have learned the hard way that diving deep into the inner work of the self and the psyche and the soul is the only way through and out, so to speak. And yet I often resist and deny and avoid and delay this. And this deep dive, as frightening as it is, cannot be done alone, and even if it could, why would we want to? And the great benefits of this dire need to move into this “descent” in order to change far outweighs the pain and fear and consequences of not doing so. A descent of assent of the will that then leads to ascent of the self and soul (Rohr).

So I leave you with this, the elements that make all the difference are in the emotional, physical, and spiritual process and realm that leads to a greater awareness and understanding of the world and ourselves. I have been told that relationships are like teachers, like mirrors of reflection, that show us who we are in relation to others and to ourselves, and ultimately to the world, this “greater earth community” (Bill Plotkin) or universe, whether one believes it is divine or not. The relationship we have with other humans, ourselves, and something bigger than all of that, if you will, is possibly the only way we can find our authentic selves, our true voice, our real meaning and purpose, and in reconciling the past so we can be free and more evolved and conscious in the present!

This is a tribute to a day celebrating the heathy integrated or blended masculine and feminine, also known as “Father’s Day.” Some decades ago, when I was in a faith community setting, the clergy asked all the biological fathers (or mothers on Mother’s Day) to stand up on “their” day. Then somewhere along the line, I realized that this left out the people who had done so much healthy mothering or fathering in a pseudo or spiritual and/or emotional way. Don’t get me wrong, I have great respect for biological fathers and mothers in general, especially my own, but I also know how difficult it is to be a parent. In fact, you can physically be there but not really be fully present in the role significantly. Even if we have major issues with one or both of our parents, we are better off if we work through that pain and move into a healthy acceptance and forgiveness, even if for our own sake and not theirs. I also realize that there are exceptions to this due to grave circumstances that make it nearly impossible to forgive. I have no idea what this is like, so I reserve judgement about everyone’s process. I have made many mistakes as a father and son, so I give great grace and mercy to those who have stepped up but also for those who have struggled on that journey. I have also seen numerous stepparents, foster parents, and adoptive parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents and teachers and neighbors and other caring individuals stand in for those who had parents who struggled to do so. In knowing my own flawed role as a parent, I also have immense mercy and grace for those fathers and mothers who, for some reason or another, were not willing and/or able to come through with the expectations of what it means to be a parent in our society.  I’m not making excuses for anyone, but in the decades, I have worked with families and been in a family, I also know that many stories involve generational poverty, addiction, mental health, and trauma as well as death and divorce, distance, conflict, or other painful barriers that made it challenging to show up as parent. I cannot believe anyone would, deep down, not really want to be the best parent they could be, but things, or we, get in the way. So, I propose that we celebrate the perfect balance and integration of the masculine and feminine on both “Mother’s and Father’s Day, even if we don’t rename the holidays.  Some parents fulfilled a dual role on their own when it came to the “fathering” and “mothering”, the masculine and the feminine, and no one to date, as far as I know, has done it with perfection. In closing, I celebrate the tension between getting it not so right on the way to getting it more right, even if it’s better late than never.  And I also lift up those who have grave regrets and shame or guilt about the way they struggled to move into that role, even though they desperately desired to do so. I also pray for those children and adults who have had challenges with a parent or their parents and hope they find peace and people who can mentor and guide them like a parent. I have been taught, by my mother and father, and also by own my sons, and the many people who have emotionally and spiritually parented me, that a truly integrated masculine and feminine is the best aim to strive for. That way we all know how to embody the strength and courage to lead as well as have the emotional and spiritual vulnerability and compassion to nurture, the truly divine third way to show up in the world in this role we call the parent.

I don’t write very often, maybe once or twice a year and only when it’s impossible not to.  This time it’s my fifty-eighth birthday as I begin my thirty-first year “in recovery”, whatever that means and for what that’s all worth.  It’s not that I believe I don’t have a voice, but it’s that the voice often tells me I don’t have anything important to say or that there are already too many people saying things for me to be heard (thank God) or that we don’t need one more person saying things that don’t really matter.  It’s all a footnote to Plato or someone else. Do I want to be someone who barely contributes anything to the ecology of positive effect in the world through my blather?  Sometimes, yes, just ask or I will tell you without you asking. Believe me, I can do, have done, enough damage without putting it all “out there.”

When I do write, it’s usually about the “human condition,” mainly because I struggle with it so.  I believe others do too, and I could be sorry, but I take great consolation in this; though, I don’t wish it upon my worst enemy, most of the time.  In fact, that’s partly what the human condition means (https: //en. wikipedia.org/ wiki/Human_condition), that we are “mere mortal” and life often seems “nasty, brutish, and short,” but this is no way to live or die.  This condition of being “only human” is a term I first heard about from the humanists at the university.  I believe it was partly to remind me that I was not one of the gods, and rightly so.  I have taken that all encompassing term and integrated it into the context of the faith and belief system in which I operate.  Some people call it “recovery” or “life on life’s terms.”  Maybe we are all recovering from someone or something, even if it is our own self-inflicted ways or our culture.  Either way, we all struggle with it, more or less, or flourish and thrive in it to various degrees on the continuum. I like Red Green’s philosophy that “We are all in this together, and I’m pulling for you.”

It’s really about health and wellness, taking care of ourselves through exercise, diet, and nutrition, fulfilling relationships with friends and family, passion for work and career, rest and relaxation, enchanting hobbies and experiences, service to others, community support, and even prayer and meditation or finding your center in a myriad of ways.  We all strive for it even it if it’s in all the wrong places.  I can talk about it all day long but healthy application of it often eludes me.  It often emanates to and from, ebbs and flows inherently so, perhaps, in a bigger meaning and purpose in life, and one that may or may not involve a perspective of a greater power, divine universe or entity, if you will.  People name it differently and view it in various ways, but it has a common thread and origin or connection, as do we, it seems. I’ve been taught to place “principles before personalities” and focus on the “similarities and not the differences.”

Either way, it’s about how we respond to our environment, those “people, places, and things” we come into contact with.  It’s how we treat others, how we “manage” to move, for the most part, in an ethical, legal, and even moral realm as one sees it so (without being moralistic, self-righteous, and arrogant.) In fact, for better or worse, just try moving outside that realm and someone will let you know or, at the very least, if you are fortunate, you will know.  Moving outside that realm can be called “the descent”, that place we go “down to” where we learn the real lessons in life the “hard way”.  The teaching and learning is often in the mis-takes in life, in our relationships.  I often say, we live and learn or live and die . . . sooner — spiritually, emotionally, and then physically, usually in that order.  It seems to be the reverse order on the way back to life from near death, but calling on the divine is usually shortly after or right before. In fact, some would say, there is no other way to do life, no avoiding getting it less wrong on the way to getting it more right.  There is no way to do it perfectly, that is, whatever it is, this thing we call life.  Perfection is not attainable and, even though we don’t need to perfect mediocrity, the sooner we realize our limits and the need to find acceptance in our imperfection, the more peace and freedom we have.

I deal with people every day who are coming to terms with their not so glamorous and unhealthy choices and in fact, all I have to do is look in the mirror because I am one or have been and can be on any given day.  The minute I forget that, then that is the exact moment I start judging and looking down on them.  If I’m judging someone or gossiping, all of I have to do for a reality check is remember that I have done that or something like it or worse, or could or will do that, or at the very least, don’t know the circumstances or the survival instinct that created their choices. I often get complacent about what I think I cannot do, and I am then necessarily more vulnerable and susceptible to doing it.  Finding peace and humility is critical!  Leaving the people we connect with and the spaces we inhabit in as good or better condition than we found them is the goal.  Leave no trace as the hikers would say and do no harm as another adage goes, especially to the most vulnerable among us.

So as I close out this evening of my birth in the early years of my second half century on this earth, and the beginning of my fourth decade in recovery, all I really know, as Socrates said, is that I do not know, but that doesn’t keep me from wanting to, from finding out more, or finding and leaning on those who do. Actually, much of the time I resist this.  And they say that what you resist will persist and if we do not “transcend our pain, we will transmit it” (Richard Rohr).   I like the philosophy that says, it’s not the dogma or the fanatic or harsh application of beliefs that will create a positive legacy in and on the world and those we come in contact with, but it’s the love and compassion with which we do it.   We cannot shove it down their throat and expect them not to choke to death or resent us or want to do us in or run.  This “second half of life” that I am already well into leads me more and more to reflect on the belief that we need to love ourselves just the way we are but not so so much that we stay that way.  We also will be judged, I am told, by the way we love others and that is about all.

Spring is almost here and today, fifty-seven is what I turn, which actually sounds like a leaf in the fall or navigating a corner on the way to somewhere I mostly want to go. I also often think of the journey we are on, hopefully desired, everyday, and I would like to take this opportunity to invite you in a little deeper to the telling of my experience. This history involves a life of privilege wasted away yet fortunate outcomes prevailed through little or no credit of my own. I could begin by elaborating on the better things about my personal experience or on my professional “work,” in all of the ego I could muster, which often comes naturally to me, but I want to share with you the humbling, sometimes humiliating, concept of “lived experience.” Of course, we all have our own storied experience in living.

Thirty years ago last week, on March 3, 1987, a second short stay in jail set the stage for the final intervention by my family, primarily my mother, who was the only one I would have dared call to bail me out and take me to treatment (Actually, she is the only one, aside from my father, maybe, who would not have hung up on me, but I don’t blame him or all the others who felt powerless enough to wash their hands of me.). At my mother’s insistence after picking me up from jail, I entered a 28-day treatment center for substance abuse and mental health recovery. I had also struggled with depression and anxiety in conjunction with alcohol and other substance use and don’t know which came first, the mental health issues because of substance abuse or vice versa, cause-and-effect is hard to determine, but either way, there were choices I made in responding to life.

Although never talked about or diagnosed, there were also significant mental health and addiction issues in my generational family of origin. In fact, my own mother in her seventies died from complications of legitimate physical and mental health issues that resulted in a pain killer and tobacco addiction. My mom, the one who I allowed to enable me nearly “to death”, and the one who, perhaps, was the only one who could disrupt my descent into living hell and death by self-destruction, was unwilling and/or unable to overcome those same deadly dynamics. Although we may always wonder how she really died or if there was something more we could have done, our repeated attempts to control, stop, circumvent, and derail her impending death had failed. And although I had prepared for her passing years in advance, we are never really ready. We pretty much resigned ourselves to recognizing our powerlessness over her gradual descent and sudden death in her sleep.

I share this out of the utmost respect for family and, especially my mother, who cared for us as children and endured significant pain and suffering over the years, some of which we caused, and some most likely from her childhood. She was a wonderful woman, a survivor with great passion for life and loving her family and her community and her successful work as a realtor, business woman, and bank loan officer. She had legitimate physical health issues that she suffered from and, I’m sure, did not set out to smoke and abuse pain medication as long-term coping mechanisms to deal with her physical and mental health issues, but that’s what happened. The very determination that allowed her to survive seventy-four years of life most surely did her in. As many of us do, she had trouble surrendering and letting go — asking, or admitting her need, for help — and therefore working through, reducing, or managing the emotional pain and suffering to find the peace that transcends the pain. There comes a time when the lines between being unable and unwilling to change are not so clear, and it’s often “both/and,” not either/or. From a lay standpoint, it seems that the connection between physical and mental health and addiction issues is difficult to discern, for example, where does the cause and effect stop and start?

And this story is what leads me directly deeper and deeper into the personal and professional work of recovery — the recognition of the great need of families and individuals who need recovery from mental health and addiction issues. I often say, that since I’m not a doctor or a therapist, I leave the medical and therapeutic treatment of health and addiction to the professionals who specialize in such things, but I know from my own personal and professional experience that those three aspects often go together —- general health is often inseparable from the nature of mental health and addictions. While not all mental health issues involve addiction, addiction often involves mental health struggles including cause and effect, and physical health is always affected by both, and, indeed, cannot be separated. Physical, emotional, and mental health and well-being are necessarily connected and recovery and stability in life require integration of successful methods and modalities of support and accountability along with diligence on the part of the individual and families needing help. Acceptance and having realistic expectations are also critical.

So, in closing out my story for now, my hope is to continue the profound and honorable work of individual and community recovery, a “soul-work” of passion in the “re-enchantment of every day living,” as Thomas Moore would say. I also do not consider it a coincidence that I work in mental health and addictions peer recovery, more and more, perhaps to redeem my own past transgressions but also in honor of my mother and on behalf of all the friends and families and individuals who are affected by such issues, indeed the entire community. My hope is to bring recovery and connection to those throughout the spectrum — from “mere” loneliness and isolation to the more serious addiction and mental illness issues. Perhaps we have the privilege, indeed an obligation, to continue this work for ourselves and for our families; indeed, our very lives depend on it. So, dear old and new friends (and foes as well), please join me in the movement of recovery, a sheer celebration of hope and the ability to enhance our own wholeness, health, and well-being by “carrying the message” and providing opportunities for others to find that same stability and experience in a “life worth living.”

I often say, the ripple of the 60’s just about killed me, so I’m glad I’m only an indirect product of that era.  As a high school freshman back in the late 70’s, I remember fear-based tactical health and sex ed where we were taught the end was nigh if we used or abused our democratic freedom of choice with regard to “drugs, sex, and rock and roll.”  Not that anyone should heed those warnings lightly, but I just wasn’t really listening in spite of the fear mongering.  I had other things on my mind and “needed” to do it “my way.”  Navigating the minefields and torrential waters of adolescence while moving into adulthood consisted mainly of me serving the external masters of this world (or worse, the biological and physiological impulses of my mind-body oblivion).  Now in the middle of my fifth decade, I am just now beginning to see how mastering the mind-body-spirit connection is absolutely key.  It was not until I discovered radical leadership and transcendent living in the field of health and wellness, mental health and addiction that the true transformation of heart and soul would begin to lead me toward relationship and community.

I do remember vividly the highlight of hard sciences where we dissected frogs in biology in high school, but in reality, I must say the well-endowed girl in the yellow sweater who sat behind me caught more of my attention than how the body worked biologically, though maybe that was directly connected to the frogs and biological dissection, i.e. the birds and bees and the frogs.  I was a teenage boy and anything was to be expected and very little connection or inspiration actually occurred, albeit, not entirely the fault of my teachers and elders.  I also have images of PE class where we played dodgeball and tried to navigate locker room hazing as exercises in “movement.”  In light of all that shame-based, external behavior modification centered around “health,” I’m ashamed to say that was pretty much the extent of my health literacy, let alone any viable application of anything remotely resembling wellness.

I went on to avoid the ominous warnings on pretty much everything and ventured into unhealthy, even harmful, almost deadly, choices involving the first of the big three, substances including alcohol.  At the age of twenty seven (and still with great shame), I didn’t come out of that unscathed. The middle “sex warning” manifested by adults in authority appeared to be blasting at me through a megaphone.  Concerns about pregnancy and disease were the primary admonitions in my high school years.  Although these cautions were well meaning, and ignoring them could have been physically harmful, we should have been talking more about how random acts of sex were most likely more emotionally or spiritually damaging than anything else.  And although I remember “bachelor living” as a senior where we learned to sew buttons and lightly season our steaks with butter instead of drenching them in A-1, I would have fared better if there was more in-depth talk about relationships in general, a concept and application thereof that still confounds me to this day (Perhaps we didn’t talk about how to do love and long term relationships because no one really knows the secret of that eternal mystery.  Perhaps it can’t be taught through education alone but must be learned through trial and error or experience much like everything else.).  And with regard to the last of the big three, I just eventually grew out of rock and roll, probably the least harmful of them all.  I’ve moved on to blues, jazz, and bluegrass.   At the risk of waxing nostalgic and minimizing the waning images or vision of the past, if the big three were the only concerns of youth today, everything would be all right with the world.

Even up until twenty years after I completed a 28 day inpatient “poly” substance abuse treatment stay at the old Deaconess Care Unit on the downtown campus in 1987, I was still eating a diet rich in red meat and high fat carbs.  I was raised on meat and potatoes, and we always had a low nutritional iceberg lettuce salad with no protein with our supper, and bread, lots of bread and butter.  Even though I had been “clean and sober” for going on two decades, I still liked my sugar and caffeine (daily diet fountain soda and dessert) and did little exercise.  Not only were caffeine and sugar my new drugs of choice, but I was burning adrenaline at the rate of fatigue, enough to create anxiety and depression to require medication and an ultimate crash and burn with stress and health as little as five years ago.  So this agonizingly, painfully slow learning and change process called healthy living takes radical measures when we’re trying to undo a lifetime of habits that are ingrained to the core, but overcoming them is doable though not by doing it alone.

In the last five years, I eliminated the anti-depressants and now take only supplements (aside from allergy medications that I have yet to find the root cause of or at least I have not made the hard choices to eliminate whatever is in my diet that may be contributing to environmental  causes that I have less control over).  I have also realized the value of cardio and low resistance functional (strength) training to supplement other methods of activity like yoga, meditation, and mindfulness.  I still often “use” minimal amounts of caffeine in green tea and coffee and often succumb to my sweet tooth, but normally for “treats”.  My regimen consists mostly of eating more fish, chicken, and turkey and if I have a salad today, it is usually as a meal and consists of spinach or dark greens with lots of whole, fresh fruits and/or vegetables complemented with lean protein.  I also try to “walk the walk” more in my professional and personal endeavors by balancing the work-life aspects of community or small group support, rest and relaxation (not my strong suit), and community involvement where I serve someone besides myself.  Relationships are 99.9 percent of life, and although, I still struggle with doing them well — friends, family, and romantic connections — I have found that intimacy, accountability, and support are absolutely critical to a healthy mind-body-spirit.  I have worked in criminal justice and corrections, business and education, and most recently in community health and peer support.

I have seen that those of us who are working in the helping professions, whether it be education, social service, and especially the health field, are most susceptible to not taking care of ourselves, e.g. we play the martyr by working seven days a week, twelve hours a day, eating on the run, neglecting our relationships, not making time for exercise and renewal.  We’re too busy to take care of ourselves and our loved ones because we are busy saving the world, by God!  Even if we are doing a decent job of maintaining balance in health and wellness, it is all the more critical that we take care of ourselves while we, so we can, care for others (There is an unforgivable irony and a painful paradox in receiving “care” from a resentful, angry, or hateful (unhealthy) caregiver.).  Although there is nothing worse than a hypocrite when it comes to those serving others, we must also remember that “progress not perfection” is the key.  We are often harder on ourselves than anyone else could ever be.  On the other hand, sometimes the hypocrisy comes in the form of institutional or cultural pressures and demanding leaders who create conditions that oppose or conflict with compassionate and nurturing treatment of caregivers in the systems and environments in which they work.  This is all the more reason for us as individuals working in the trenches to make self-care a top priority, perhaps above all else.  We must demand it!

In closing, I would like to remind those of us who are in the business of caring for others (perhaps that’s all of us), that we (they) didn’t get here overnight.  We have to meet them where they’re at and assist them in where they want, not where we want them, to go.  I heard recently that those people we work with are not necessarily required to come to the process motivated.  Perhaps like me, they didn’t listen very well when they were younger and are trying to undo years of ignorance and willful disobedience.  Looking at it in that light, we can all find some peace in the process and relax and realize that, “one day at a time”, we can move forward with incremental change.  I like the old adage that progress is often two or three steps forward and sometimes one or two back.  Although health and wellness is often life or death, we are only really responsible for ourselves, ultimately, even though we may be charged with helping others in our care through motivation, accountability, and support.  They have to want or desire it for themselves and, even though we can help them become more motivated, we can’t want it more than they do, or at least not much more.  We can’t make their change about us or it will create more harm than good.  Sometimes the “natural and logical” consequences of our own choices are the best motivator for change.

I have heard that when the pain of staying in the same place is greater than the pain of moving into change, we will, or else, as Plato said, we make the “worse appear the better,” or we just stop caring.  Ignorance is different than not caring.  Apathy and indifference are often deadly, first spiritually followed by emotional and then physical death, in that order if we are fortunate.  Sometimes its reverse order and the latter two don’t matter!  The amateur philosopher in me says we either live and learn or live and die, sooner.  At the very least, we can avoid the minefields of life by modeling relationship and community, however imperfectly.  We can be transformed in heart and soul through a caring “servant leadership” that lifts the “rising tide” of humanity a little higher.

 

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