Dear Sojourners,
I’m sure you either noticed the children on the corner waiting for the buses this week or even shepherded your own flock before you navigated the increased traffic on the way to work. Even though I don’t have children in the home anymore, and my work is primarily with adults, I cannot help but think of how our lives are affected by change as I noticed the feel of a new school year emerging. The local and regional culture is changing as parents, teachers, and students make this transition. I have talked with friends who are teachers, colleagues who work with families, and clients who have kids in school. I was also talking with someone recently who said that they, as a couple, are juggling jobs, household chores, and finances during the transition of several children all attending different schools in addition to extra-curricular activities. It was difficult for me to speak to that person about self-care in light of their situation. This individual told me that in the recent past, they would go into another room, close the door, and drink in isolation when life got overwhelming. I talked with this person about activity such as exercise or yoga and other healthy alternatives like finding solitude and quiet time instead of self-medicating in the “closet “with alcohol. I acknowledged that it is “easier said than done.”
For me, both personally and professionally, I have struggled over the years to balance the ebb and flow of the work-life domain, even to the point of self-destruction at times, and it hasn’t always been “in the closet”. This reminds me when we use “people, places, and things” to “self-medicate” in order to avoid, deny, and ignore our feelings and self-care in light of situations that cause increased stress (And then sometimes we just get busy and do not always make time for taking care of ourselves.). None of us are exempt from “using” or “acting out” on anything from substances to gambling, shopping to sex, social media and technology, work and school, hobbies, volunteering, or other extra-curricular activities —- it can all turn into avoidance of relationships and mind-body-soul work or super human busy-ness if we’re not careful (The other end of the continuum is the super sloth on the couch of inactivity, and this requires a different remedy of increased action and more activity.). Although this over or under activity may “work” for a while, it almost always decreases or depletes energy levels, exhausts us, and makes things worse in the long run. It can literally kill us! Sometimes we need a “break” or change in the cycle, a boost or fresh start in the “continual conversion,” on the journey to maintain our health.
Recently, I was in desperate need of a catalyst, but this need had occurred over several years. I didn’t get there overnight, as the old adage goes. So I attended a two day training on Peer Support for Whole Health Resiliency (http://acgpeersupport.com/ services/pswhr/) followed by a five day retreat for men to kick start a new beginning in my personal journey (http://www.illuman.org/). The takeaway from this professional development and personal renewal was a reminder to avoid the irony of neglecting my own physical, emotional, and spiritual health while working with others on enhancing their own. I am reminded constantly to “walk the walk” and not just “talk the talk,” as difficult as it is and as imperfect as I am. And so, I am pledging, once again, to “set aside” time, space, and activity for self-care (or inactivity as the case may be, as in “being” instead of the constant mindless activity of thinking or “doing”). Also for me, what works is weekly yoga and twelve step meetings in addition to twenty minutes of the lunch hour that is creeping by as I write this letter. I am also trying to add thirty minutes of “set aside” time in the evening as well as committing to find and maintain small group support.
In summary, it helps to talk about how to stay healthy while avoiding “preaching” at people because we all fall short daily. Doing the mind-body-spirit work requires intentional action and change or maintenance, in addition to community support and a deliberate plan with regular reinforcement and commitment. Indeed, internal motivation with external accountability is a key to any change, but sometimes we just need to take action and then the motivation will kick in. Getting and staying healthy also must include realistic expectations with room for forgiveness when there are setbacks. Progress, it is said, is sometimes two or three steps forward followed by one or two back at times. One of the relationship authors I have read speaks of life as a wheel metaphor. Living and life will get out of balance, at times, but we need not wait for the wheel to fall off causing a wreck before we make a change and re-align. Finding something you enjoy doing and doing it with others you desire to be with seems to work better. Not trying to do it all yourself is critical. We cannot do it alone and even if we could, why would we want to. Another author once said that a “lone ranger is a dead ranger” — even the Lone Ranger had Tonto and wasn’t entirely alone. Professional support, if possible, is also beneficial. Reaching out, asking for help, reading for reinforcement, finding an accountability partner, and maintaining fulfilling relationships are all necessary. Exercise or physical activity, adequate rest and relaxation, proper diet and nutrition, and even prayer and meditation or quiet time can all lead to enhanced well-being.
So I ask you, fellow sojourner, what special time or place — activity or inactivity — do you set aside or make space for in your life? What changes are necessary for you to move forward in the ongoing conversion of a better you?