Disclaimer: nothing I have or say is original, and all of it comes from sources of which I know and some of which I do not know. I often speak and live my life with great hypocrisy that rings in my ears and reflects in my mirrors, so I am painfully and joyfully human, you see!
A Reflection on How Resolving the Past Frees us in the Present and Future
Finding my voice and knowing who I am has taken all of a lifetime, it seems, but it has been worth it, at times painfully so, but still a journey to remember, ever unfolding, at times exciting, other times tragic, seemingly, and not without ups and downs, ins and outs, with lots of changes and transitions, joy and suffering and everything in between, all of it beautiful in its own way, “everything belongs” I am told (Rich Rohr), especially that which I have no control over or at least that acceptance benefits me greatly. Though I could hardly see that it did “belong” at the time. It seems now, though, I can see the beauty more and more, in the moment, even when the world or myself seems to be falling apart.
I have made many choices that could be considered “mistakes”. In fact, I have been told by others that they were, and then I believed it myself, but I have re-visioned these “mis-takes” to view them as opportunities for growth and learning, yet still some have been terribly painful and hurtful to myself and others. These betrayals have been in relationship to others or my personal and professional journey, or an unfaithfulness to my authentic self, and my truer way than what it could have been. So getting it less “right” is the only way to get it more and more “right” on the journey! I have yet to meet anyone who has not done so. I get asked, on occasion, what regrets I have or what I would have changed. I have come to terms with the answer that it is nothing. I would have changed not a thing, about myself, or my decisions, as harmful and painful as they have been at times. So guilt and remorse have been my friends, but I no longer have room for what should have been or the toxic shame results! This paradox of self acceptance also includes the recognition of the great need for ongoing positive and healthy changes!
What comes to mind are memories and events like death and divorce, infidelity or unfaithfulness, harmful parenting styles, estrangement from family and friends, neglect of relationships, misguided career choices, and other personal and professional “transgressions” too numerous to mention. It’s not that I consider these things of having no impact, but it’s just that I cannot change them. I learned along that way that I have to “accept those things I cannot change” and can only learn to “change the things I can” and that “knowing the difference” comes from, and leads, to “wisdom” that makes all the difference, something that still eludes me to this day more than I care to admit. On the other hand, most of the trauma I have experienced in life has been inflicted on me, by me, a sort of self-punishment if you will. It’s not that I have not known and felt “adverse experiences,” in child and adulthood, inflicted by others, its just that I have had to work hard on letting that go, forgiving if not forgetting, but it’s the “pain” that I have not “transformed” or transcended but have “transmitted” on and to others that resonates the most (Rohr).
Working through that is not a perfect process, in fact, it’s more like “progress” that is often two or three steps forward and one or two back, and even sometimes regression. It’s messy, somewhat troubling at times, but working through that is the key. I have given up any notion of perfection and have been seduced by “perfecting mediocrity” or less, a dangerous sense of apathy or indifference, without hope which is the most deadly way of being and leads to not being, ultimately, or at least it leads to mere existence or a “living death.” On the other hand, I have learned the hard way that diving deep into the inner work of the self and the psyche and the soul is the only way through and out, so to speak. And yet I often resist and deny and avoid and delay this. And this deep dive, as frightening as it is, cannot be done alone, and even if it could, why would we want to? And the great benefits of this dire need to move into this “descent” in order to change far outweighs the pain and fear and consequences of not doing so. A descent of assent of the will that then leads to ascent of the self and soul (Rohr).
So I leave you with this, the elements that make all the difference are in the emotional, physical, and spiritual process and realm that leads to a greater awareness and understanding of the world and ourselves. I have been told that relationships are like teachers, like mirrors of reflection, that show us who we are in relation to others and to ourselves, and ultimately to the world, this “greater earth community” (Bill Plotkin) or universe, whether one believes it is divine or not. The relationship we have with other humans, ourselves, and something bigger than all of that, if you will, is possibly the only way we can find our authentic selves, our true voice, our real meaning and purpose, and in reconciling the past so we can be free and more evolved and conscious in the present!